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Reading Digest: Personal Inspiration Edition
“You’ll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.” – Lisa Simpson “You’re going to miss your brother’s antics.” – Mr. Bergstrom “When?” – Lisa Simpson “When? When your life takes you...
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Reading Digest: Limits of Monolingualism Edition
This week we’ve got three rather excellent foreign links, which means that I have to put my faith in the always dubious efforts of Google Translate. There’s what I think is someone trying to learn...
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Reading Digest: Celebrities Behaving Well Edition
“But this isn’t about show business, this is about some kid down a hole, or something. And we’ve all got to do what we can.” – Sting Dead Homer Society is coming at you live from my new and...
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Permanent Record: Mr. Largo
“Alright, class, from the top: one and two and three and. . .” – Mr. Largo American primary schools are filled with godawful bands. While a few students might genuinely like playing music and even...
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Reading Digest: Most Everyone Loves Maggie Edition
“Everybody get ready, here comes the birthday girl in her very first dress.” – Marge Simpson “Awww.” – Everybody “She’s a little angel.” – Patty Bouvier “Yeah, I want to put a hook in her and hang her...
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Reading Digest: Foreign Art Edition
“This will be the art event of the century! The greatest masterpiece of Italian Renaissance, Michelangelo’s David, on a coast-to-coast tour, United States.” – Italian Art Guy “Sir, which cities will...
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Permanent Record: Jimbo Jones
“That one looks like a school bus going over a cliff in flames with kids inside screaming.” – Jimbo Jones Like any other organization or group of people, a school has a natural hierarchy. The adults...
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Reading Digest: Late Scratch Edition
“After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is . . . Cincinnati by . . . two hundred points? Why you worthless hunk of junk!” –...
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Reading Digest: Overpriced Video Game Edition
“Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty quarters, this better be good.” – Milhouse van Houten “Game over. Please deposit forty quarters.” – Waterworld Game “What a rip!” – Milhouse van Houten This week...
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Reading Digest: Sam Simon Rocks His Cancer Edition
“Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.” – Dr. Hibbert “No way, because I’m not dying!” – Homer Simpson “Second is anger.” – Dr....
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Reading Digest: Great (And Not) Songs Edition
“Singing is the lowest form of communication.” – Homer Simpson “Homer, you sing all the time.” – Marge Simpson “No, I don’t. I hate to rhyme.” – Homer Simpson The first item this week isn’t even a...
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Reading Digest: President Wolfcastle Edition
“Welcome back to Before They Were Famous. We all know Ranier Wolfcastle as the star of the blockbuster McBain movies, but here’s his first appearance in a commercial in his native Austria.” – Before...
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Reading Digest: Australian Sports Edition
“You call that a knife? This is a knife.” – Not Paul Hogan “That’s not a knife, that’s a spoon.” – Bart Simpson “Alright, alright, you win. I see you’ve played knifey-spoony before.” – Not Paul...
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Reading Digest: Retroactive Conan O’Brien Edition
“You know, Conan, I have a lot to say. I’m not just a one line wonder. Did you know that a section of rain forest the size of Kansas is burned every single-” – Bart Simpson “Just do the line.” –...
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Behind Us Forever: What Animated Women Want
“Now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever . . .” – Selma Bouvier [Note: It has become apparent, much to my disappointment, that I cannot run a website that criticizes Zombie Simpsons without,...
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Reading Digest: Tapped Out Is a Bottomless Money Pit Edition
“And to think, Smithers, you laughed when I bought Ticketmaster, ‘Nobody’s going to pay a hundred percent service charge’.” – C.M. Burns “Well, it’s a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and...
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Reading Digest: Futurama Gets Cancelled Again Edition
“What’s gonna happen to me?” – Bart Simpson “And now it’s time for Match Game 2034! With Billy Crystal, Farrah Fawcett Majors O’Neil Varney, the ‘I Didn’t Do It’ boy, ventriloquist Loni Anderson,...
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Behind Us Forever: Pulpit Friction
“Hey, look, those frogs are eating all their crops!” – Homer Simpson Marge has to yell in church to get everyone to sit down, and meanwhile Lovejoy was just standing at the pulpit waiting patiently?...
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Reading Digest: Quantifying Zombie Simpsons Edition
“Lisa, if I have five apples and I take away three apples, how many apples do I have left?” – Dr. J. Loren Pryor “Two apples.” – Lisa Simpson “Wait a minute . . . she’s right!” – Homer Simpson This...
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Quote of the Day
“Can you let me have it for forty dollars?” – Martin Prince “Forty bucks? Forget it! You made me get off my stool for that?” – Comic Book Guy “It’s all I’ve got! I sold seeds, I visited my aunt in...
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